A Goodly Queen.

   

Another freezing morning.  Lovely cup of coffee at my left, doughnut to my right. 

So, today's challenge from the clergy: assess my internal dialogue in a way where I can evaluate how much blame I give versus how much responsibility I take in my life. 

Yes, of course that sounds as bland and dry as a mouthful of chalk.  Honestly, though, after going through recovery programs, I really do understand how blame is the crippling poison that ruins lives.  A good dose of questioning never hurts, and self examination of whether or not I lean towards being a strong person of grace or rather a weak person of a pointy finger.  Let's root for the former.

A good part of yesterday was spent in assessment  I'm in my mid thirties now, about ready to hit the late thirties, and this new year presents to me a lot of challenge.  One question that honestly keeps haunting my thoughts is, am I going to be a good queen? A couple years ago I watched an interview with Tori Amos that changed my life, a fascinating and terrifying topic of growing older was being introduced, and how she responded shook me.  She said, she is glad to be a good queen, as its hard to be good at such position when you're young.

That thought struck through every mind bank I possess.

Am I going to be a good queen?

I've seen enough women who aren't.  They want to stay young queens and flit and float and be admired their entire lives, and then when surgeries don't make that happen any more, they are left with no self identity because there's no one left to admire then. 

This year, I know there are choices to make and things to learn based on the direction I want to go.  I can obsess (as God knows I've done, I can be as pretty as a girl in a magazine if I obsess over myself enough), or will I focus truly on a kingdom? 

It's such a struggle for me, more than I like to admit.  I was anorexic for years, and was very, very much physically admired.  I spent hours on pampering my skin and shopping, getting everything just so for the next time I entered a room full of people.  Appearance and first impressions used to be a very vital part of my life.  One man described me as not a trophy girl, but instead everyman's fairytale.  Let me tell you, it was an image I lived for. 

After I went through recovery for anorexia, tearfully began the intense but freeing journey of my fear, I have put on quite a bit of weight (a little of which does need to be shed but isn't unhealthy), I see to the Snapeling's thriving (of which they beautifully are), and to The Snape himself, of which our beginning relationship was purely chemistry and physical admiration.  Now he is my dearest friend, and we hold the intimate secrets of each other's heart with utmost precious security.  I literally have cut out most relationships in my life that I have deemed as unhealthy. So, mostly I'm left with:

The Snape.
The Snapelings.
A Handful of Family.
A Handful of Church Family.
A Handful of Friends.

It was one of the wiser things I did, to be many things to a few people, rather than very little to many. I know many wonderful, wise women who are eighty years and beyond, and at this point in my life, I find their wisdom to be of the most precious council.

Because my feet are poorly and I cannot work so hard on them as I did in the bakery (which I miss), I have to stay home.  My family and I have already readied the garden for the spring, Once or twice I week I receive mass day old bakery items from a large shop.  I will soon have a few more chickens to add to my lovely flock, and soon there is the reality of being able to feed masses of people who will need help in this wretched economy.

I have many acquaintances who pester me to join a gym or workout class with them, diet plans, but I know that only leads to social engagements and intimacy of friendship and lifestyle I don't desire.  The Beast Child has asked if I will help go on a diet with him so he will be plenty able to be a soldier.  This motivation speaks directly to my heart. 

So, really, I think it's easy to see where my heart lies.  I do want to be a Good Queen.  I want to do for the greater good of my people.  I want to help those in need, and I want to work hard to do it.  I want to grow organic produce, collect the eggs, and pick up the baked goods and then provide it to whom God directs. 

Doing these things I believe will provide the family and I with a different kind of energy, a different kind of atmosphere.  I think I will lose the weight I want to lose a little more naturally, as I will have a definite plan and direction.