Mind drain.

There are a myriad of ways I can imagine escaping my own polluted mind.  The imagination of escapism is of infinite paths, and some of  those paths are so known to me that it's easy to forget where the seam is.  It's misery to wallow in a cesspool of some variety of hopelessness.  Escapism, illusion, can easily be a fall into the cavernous loneliness of self-pity, each negative thought an echo forever bouncing from one side of my head to the other, never ceasing it's reminder. Eventually my spirit learns to feed off it's own self-willed decomposing sanity. 

I realize a thousand people could give me a million reasons why an individual can end up in such a place.  Of course they could.  Each person is an individual comprised of their own experiences, genetics, etc.  I have reasons of my own.  You do too. However, lots of times reasons don't create relief.  They don't provide much of a balm.  Most reasons are whiplash that has lingering side effects.  The constant buzzing, stinging, until your sanity is so overcome with infection that the soul sucks the entire mind, heart, and body inside of itself and cannibalizes it, even the parts of that were once a beautiful sactuary.  Incredibly, the misery of it can become so familiar that the very ingestion of my own will can disguise itself as a comfort.

Depression sucks. Being an empath sucks.  Having attachment issues sucks. Sigh.

These last two blog posts were so negative.  Cathartic really.  Its challenging to have to reel in the idea that I'm at the mercy of an onslaught of emotion, whether it's mine or a perceived emotion of someone elses.  Before I learned such things as meditation and probably genuine independence, I was a shell of myself constantly allowing these negative feelings to 'be' my perceptions.  Hating yourself if a horrid way to exist.

Life has had some serious challenges. Actually, I reread that sentence and laughed.  Non stop challenges that have been intense, and when one shell shocks me then another is catapulting in.  With all these challenges, there comes a depletion.  There hasn't been enough time for any recovery in the past two years.

Thankfully, there is time now.  There are still issues charging at me with what feels like spears directly piercing the places that make me cringe, but at least I'm no longer working too many hours.

And, sleep will be helpful...