Morning Heaviness.

Today is my last day with the Snape before his summer courses begin.  The reality was heavy on me when I woke before 6am.  Sleep ignored me, so I eventually just crept downstairs and made my way through the maze of this house.  Felt desperate for fresh air.  Felt amazing to open the front door and let the coolness come through the screen, crisp, such a delicious pairing with the first pour of coffee.

Gathered my favorite cardigan and mug and found my 14 year old son's flip flops (twice the size of my feet) and went outside, it's a walk through the front garden where the Snape has planted his first summer roses. Made my heart ache to see them.  Out the gate, through the grove, and into the large garden where there's great wooden electrical spools the sizes of tables and chairs under an awning.  His roses grow on one side of the long fencing, little green pearls of grapes smother another, cucumbers opposite the roses, and potato vines facing the grapes.  Flourishing spectacularly in the middle of are rows and rows of the vegetable garden.  He's tended them all from seedlings or root stock. He's the heart of the garden.  What he tends finds its way to the kitchen, where my heart resides and turns his ingredients into my potions.  We create together in that way, and it sustains us through the winter months.

His garden is a sacred place to sit and think.  It was too hard to lay in bed and see his face softened like a boy's with sleep.  The last thing I know he needs is for him to wake up seeing sadness in my eyes.  Not when he works so hard and can rest so little. I needed nature in full production on all sides in hopes of some happy vigor before I saw his sleepy smile.

So, I sat by his greenhouses full of roses. The mass of chickens cackling and pecking, doves, blue jays and sparrows sharing the bounty.  The sun hits them just right an shines through their feathers.  So beautiful.  Robert Frost seemed like a good swipe from the shelf as I made my way out, so that's what I tried to focus on while I sat, trying not to let my mind go to where the ache in my heart is.  So long, but not forever. 

We'll have four weeks together after these summer courses and before the fall semester begins.  With life being so busy though, the teenagers and just life, life, life, moments where his mind isn't at it's usual racing pace is so rare. But, his brilliance is the shining crown he wears, and I knew it was designed to be shared with the world before we went out on our first date together. There is ultimate satisfaction on being his Queen.  I just miss him when he's gone,

Thinking today I need to bring out the watercolors.